How to Ask Someone to Be Your Surrogate

Staring down a surrogacy journey can be quite daunting, especially when you start adding up all of the costs involved. Let’s face it, surrogacy is expensive and can feel unaffordable. Finances are generally the most significant barrier to getting started with surrogacy. How different would your outlook on surrogacy and your future be if money was no object? Unfortunately, we don’t live in that world. Thankfully if you craft a careful plan for your surrogacy experience, you can start to chip away at that financial roadblock. One of those ways is to ask someone you know to be your surrogate. A surrogate’s compensation accounts for about 30% of your overall expenses. Therefore if you can lower this number, surrogacy may be easier to handle. It may be what takes this from being a wild dream to a reality beyond imagination.

Do you already have someone in mind, and you’ve been wondering how to bring up the subject? Before you start that conversation, there are some things you should consider to avoid disappointment – be clear on what surrogacy is, who is eligible to be a surrogate, the role of agencies, and the pros and cons of partnering with someone you know, and these 7 ways to prepare before searching for a surrogate . Here is everything you need to know about asking someone you know to be your surrogate.

What is Gestational Surrogacy?

You may already know this, but just in case you need the wording to share with the person you’re going to ask to be your surrogate: gestational surrogacy is a method of assisted reproduction where a woman, known as a surrogate (or gestational carrier), agrees to become pregnant through in vitro fertilization (IVF), carries and deliver a baby for you. The surrogate is not genetically related to the baby. As the intended parent, your egg or sperm is used to make the embryo, or you can use donated egg/sperm/embryos. There is a legal contract and process that protect your parental rights.

Can Anyone Be My Surrogate?

The short answer is no. No, not just anyone can be your surrogate. Surrogacy is about lowing risks and maximizing your chance at having a baby. Surrogates have to meet specific basic requirements to be eligibble to move forward and then they go through additional medical and psychologicl screening. Apart from that they have to be responsible, trustworthy, empathetic and enjoy being pregnancy.

What Are the Requirements to Be a Great Surrogate?

A great surrogate should meet the following criteria:

Age: Generally, surrogates should be between 21 and 45 years old.
Health: A surrogate must be in good physical and mental health, with no history of significant health issues.
Pregnancy history: A surrogate should have had at least one successful pregnancy and delivery with no complications.
Substance-free: Surrogates must not use tobacco, drugs, or excessive alcohol.
Legal considerations: Surrogates should have no criminal history and must reside in a surrogacy-friendly state

Check out the article on the requirements to be a great surrogate for a complete list.

Do I Need to Use an Agency for My Surrogacy Journey?

Most people who find a surrogate themselves continue without an agency. You do not need an agency for your surrogacy journey. Going without an agency is called independent surrogacy, and you will navigate through on your own. While using a surrogacy agency is not mandatory, you may want help with coordination. Some agencies offer a discounted rate for signing on with your own surrogate.

What should you say when you ask someone to be your surrogate?

Asking someone to be your surrogate can feel awkward because it’s such a big and personal request. Approach the conversation with sensitivity, honesty, and respect. Here are some tips to make the conversation easier:

Choose the right person: Consider someone you trust, who understands the emotional weight of the journey, and meets the necessary criteria.
Begin by expressing gratitude: Thank them for taking the time to listen to your request and acknowledge the emotional weight of the topic.
Share your story: Open up about your struggles with fertility, why you’ve chosen surrogacy as a path to parenthood, and how much it means to you.
Explain why you’ve chosen them: Share the reasons you believe they would be an excellent surrogate, such as their compassion, understanding, or previous successful pregnancies.
Provide information: Briefly explain the surrogacy process, including the medical and legal aspects, to help them better understand the commitment they would be making.
Be prepared to answer questions: Most people don’t know a lot about surrogacy, and there are a lot of misconceptions, so you will have to educate them about the process.
Acknowledge their feelings: Make it clear that you understand the magnitude of your request and that you want them to take time to carefully consider their decision.
Offer support: Let them know you’re available to answer any questions they might have and provide resources to help them make an informed decision.
Reiterate your appreciation: Regardless of their decision, express your gratitude for their consideration and emphasize the importance of maintaining a strong relationship moving forward.

Remember, asking someone to be your surrogate is a deeply personal request, and their decision should be respected. Give them the time and space they need to process your request and make their choice.

Sometimes it’s better NOT to ask someone to be your surrogate.

I don’t mean that you shouldn’t have someone you know as your surrogate (we’ll look at a pro and con list next). Sometimes, the best way to ask someone is not to do so directly. You may find this to be a lot less awkward, and she won’t feel as obligated. You can tell her that you’re looking for a surrogate, tell her your story and what surrogacy is all about, what you’re looking for in a surrogate, and then ask her to share with anyone she thinks may be interested.

Pros of Asking Someone You Know to Be a Surrogate:

Having someone you know be your surrogate may be ideal for you. It saves you from the time and effort of searching and networking for a surrogate and often means that you don’t need to use an agency. Most people start their surrogate search by looking at family members and close family. Here are some reasons why this is a good idea.

Trust and familiarity: When you ask someone you know to be your surrogate, there is already a level of trust and familiarity, which can lead to a more comfortable and open relationship throughout the surrogacy process.
Emotional connection: Having a surrogate you know can create a more meaningful emotional connection, as the journey is shared with someone who truly cares about you and your family.
Lower costs: Choosing a friend or family member as a surrogate may result in lower costs, as they may want lower than standard compensation or even forgo it altogether in some cases.
Greater involvement: A surrogate you know is more likely to involve you in the pregnancy, allowing you to attend appointments, share updates, and be a part of the experience.
Easier communication: Knowing your surrogate beforehand can make communication easier and more effective, as you already understand each other’s communication styles and preferences.

Two women sitting in a coffee shop talking

Cons of Asking Someone You Know to Be a Surrogate:

Having someone you know be a surrogate is mainly beneficial, but you should keep some key downsides in mind. For the most part, the drawbacks involve the fallout of when surrogacy doesn’t go well. Unfortunately, many relationships between surrogates and intended parents fall apart during the journey. This can even lead to situations where intended parents aren’t allowed in the room for the delivery of their own baby. As disturbing as that may sound, think about what would happen if your sister or friend from college cut off communication with you during pregnancy. Here are some cons of asking someone you know to be your surrogate.

Emotional strain: The surrogacy process can be emotionally challenging, and asking someone you know could strain your relationship if complications or disagreements arise.
Blurred boundaries: The emotional connection you share with a known surrogate could make it challenging to establish and maintain clear boundaries regarding the roles and expectations of each party.
Too close for comfort: If your friend or family member doesn’t pass screening, has failed transfers, or has multiple miscarriages, you may need to find another surrogate, which can be a difficult and disappointing process for both of you.
Impact on existing relationships: If the surrogacy arrangement involves a family member, it may affect other family dynamics, leading to potential conflicts or tension within the family unit.
Feeling indebted: Surrogacy has a price tag, but the safe delivery of your miracle baby is priceless. You may feel forever indebted to your friend or family member for giving you this gift, which can be a great burden to carry.

What to Do After They Say Yes

She said yes, yay! Obviously, the first thing you should do is say thank you, and the second is to celebrate with a happy dance! This is a momentous occasion. Okay, now it’s time to get to work. There are 6 steps that you need to take if a friend or family member agrees to be your surrogate. If you’re following along, you’ve already completed the first two items. What’s left is to find out her compensation desires, see if she lives in a surrogacy-friendly state, research the process and meet with a fertility specialist.

Asking someone you know to be your surrogate can be a rewarding and cost-effective path to building your family through surrogacy. It may be the only way for you to make surrogacy work. It’s normal to be a bit nervous about asking for such a large favor, so preparing yourself ahead of time will make you more confident when you finally have the conversation. Remember to consider the pros and cons of choosing someone you know, and be prepared to educate and support them throughout the process. Surrogacy is a life-changing journey, and you need a great partner to do it with you.